Mommy, There's A Monster!

By Alyson Schafer

One great thing about watching our babies grow is witnessing them development an active imagination. With that imagination though can come fear of boogie monsters, dragons, ghosts, and the like. As parents, how do we deal with this?

Well, we can look to the recent SARS epidemic as an example of what to do and not to do with managing fear.

If respected doctors tell you that there is no reason to be afraid of SARS in Toronto, but then cancel their own conference in Toronto, the less knowledgeable public deduces that if the experts think there is something to fear, then we should too.

To “less knowledgeable” children, you are the “expert” on everything. If you say “there is no such things as monsters” and then promptly check under the bed, you may unintentionally be demonstrating a reason why they should be afraid. “Heck even the experts are checking the beds and closets!”

Diminishing Fears
We cannot control our children’s fears, but how we react can work to either support or de-emphasize them.

One strategy is to be “unimpressed” (neither dismissive nor all consumed) and talk in a matter of fact fashion.

Don’t waver in your conviction that there are no monsters by saying things like, “Really? You saw a monster in your closet. What did he look like?”

It is more comforting to say “There are no such things as monsters. You are creating them with your imagination. And what a wonderful imagination it is!”

Coping With Fears
Teach your children coping techniques to help them work through their fears. Try some of these responses:

“I understand that you are afraid, but I know you are safe and I would never let anything harm you, so you need to think happy warm thoughts instead of scary thoughts. That will help you get to sleep.”

“You’ll have to have a little talk with that imagination of yours and let it know that it is getting in the way of sleeping.”

“When you decide it’s bugging you so much that you have to stop thinking those thoughts - I am sure you will!”

“If watching this video or movie before bed makes you imagine scary things, perhaps you would like to watch something else at bedtime.”

Watch For “The Hidden Pay-off”
Don’t give a “hidden pay-off” by giving your child exceptional service such as letting them sleep in your bed, or keeping you hostage in their room until they fall asleep.

If you enjoy caring for your child in these loving ways, do it because you want. Don’t make them create “issues” to mobilize you into this type of affection or they’ll learn to use issues as a technique to get you to care for them.

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Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of the nation’s leading parenting experts. She’s the author of the bestselling Breaking the Good Mom Myth (Wiley, 2006) and more recently "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids" (Wiley, 2009).  She is host of The Parenting Show on Rogers TV. The media relies on Alyson’s comments and opinions; she has appeared on The Montel Williams Show, The National, BTV, and you can find her interviewed and quoted extensively in countless publications including Today’s Parent, Cosmopolitan, Reader’s Digest and Chatelaine. Visit her online at www.alyson.ca

(Published on The Parent Link on Mar 1, 2008)

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